My best attempt at being an honest man

I was driving a white pick up truck back from a park I used to go to when I was young. I had someone in the passenger seat…can’t remember who he or she was, all I could remember is that they kept trying to keep me focused on driving and nothing else. 

The road was built on hills, up and down my car went. I was still driving past the park on my left and a suburb neighborhood on my right.

Looking on top of a hill that was coming up I saw a white truck coming toward me, It was the same truck I was driving and without seeing who was in the car I knew it was you. You also had a person in your passenger seat trying to distract you from everything else but driving.

Without seeing each other’s faces or communicating in any way we knew who was coming our way…we felt the anticipation rising as our trucks led us down the road and our paths drew closer and closer. 

When we finally did cross paths we both looked at each other with no expression in our face, no words came from our mouth, but…we both felt the other boiling with concern for each other, longing for each other.

…we both drove off while our passengers kept us focused on the road.

We must have parted ways for several minutes, all the while we still felt the others thoughts and desires. At one point I remember showing you my emotion and you showing me yours. Then all of a sudden for no other reason at all other than raw emotion and passionate curiosity, we both slammed on the breaks and turned our trucks around!

We both knew what the other had done and I felt your smile, and you felt mine. We were driving so fast as not to waste one second of time, we refused to waste one more moment of what could happen. Everything was racing in real time right up until we crossed paths, then time slowed down. For a moment it felt as though we controlled time. The moment was ours. 

We both rolled down our windows and leaned out with our hands out, reaching for the other. The wind was in our eyes…we didn’t blink. 

I looked deep into your eyes.

You looked deep into mine.

Our hands met.

We closed our eyes to feel the others soul…then opened our eyes to never forget the moment. 

We were holding on tight to each other when our trucks started trying to separate us. We knew what was happening but we refused to listen to our trucks or our passengers.

Our arms began to stretch. 

Our Trucks kept driving. 

Our hands never let go.

-Oso

Remember the last time I was this depressed? I do…
Sleep is nothing. Food is nothing.
I don’t even feel alive. I keep wishing that taking my life was an option.
Hardest thing to do lately is act normal. To smile when my heart is sinking
My heart sinking deeper than I thought it ever could.
Something will break soon…my fist or my liver, my mind or my face…anything but my heart.
I’m done with being an actor…
Done with everything I thought I wanted and hoped to achieve and everything I hope time would bring.
I’m a toothless cog in a machine that’s long been turned off.
Remember the last time I was this depressed?
Do you remember the feeling of utter longing? I do
Do you remember the thoughts in your head that you told to shut up day after day after day? I do
Do you remember any of it anymore?
The past
The yesterday
The today
The tomorrow

I’ve lost

I’m sure I can go on

But I want to give up

Everything hurts
Everything and everything

The thought of typing that four letter word is painful…painful because its the truth

My God lady I’ve missed you so much lately

I miss what we had and couldn’t have

I’ve become a horrible man with an ugly past, a damaged mind and a broken heart…

I’m a drunk

I’m stupid

I’m a waste of life

I’m a disgrace to my family

A thief

Being born was a mistake on my mothers part

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When will it end !?

When